Bank Holiday Ramblings

Hi all!

Its been quite a while since i've blogged and have taken the decision to merge both of my blogs together under one name. Hopefully the transition will all be done within the next week or so, if my partner-in-crime Emily will help me out with the web design side of things.

Today I wanted to blog about me. Things are about to get personal.

Bank holidays are wonderful, and mine in particular has been awesome. I've seen the in-laws, i've seen some of my nearest and dearest friends, my sister and brother-in-law, and spent the entire thing with my partner. Its been great fun.

That is, until midday Monday.

I live with bipolar disorder on a daily basis. This is unfortunate, but true. For all of the positive things in my life (Em, my home, my friends, my job), I'm only ever a chemical imbalance away from sinking into myself. Today, it hit harder than it has in a while. I'm restless, but want to rest. I'm awake, but so very tired. I have so many things I could do, but i'm bored. I could be surrounded by hundreds of people, but I feel alone.

This week I was off of work for a couple of days with nausea that stopped me sleeping, the sweats that stopped me leaving the house, and a lack of appetite that meant I didn't eat for 48 hours. THIS was not normal - I tried to take what must be my sixth different course of medication and these side effects all hit within 12 hours. This makes it easy to give up hope on being able to find a magic tablet that just makes me the person I wish I could be.

Some have made me so tired I can barely function, let alone drive. Some made my eyes feel like they were on fire. Some, as I learned this week, can make me pretty ill. Every time I suffer one of these setbacks, I become defiant - "I shouldn't need a magic pill to make me happy anyway", "I can do this without them". And every time I become more and more defiant.

I was diagnosed with bipolar aged 19. Suddenly, the world made both more and less sense. I understood why I had "bad days", but I also didn't want to be seen as not "normal". Sometimes it allows me to be more expressive in my music, other times it means I leave parties having barely stepped in the door. The only thing that remains the same is that I know the sun will rise the next day and hopefully I will do the same.

There is no point to this blog other than to say - life is too short. Enjoy the time you have with the people you choose to spend it with. Tell your family you love them whenever you get the chance. When arguing over something, ask yourself if its worth it. Stop calling people who don't call back, and call those who do. Live every day as if its the day you'll be remembered by.

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