A little more about friendship

Nine months ago I wrote a blog post where I explained that it is very easy to spend time hung up on people that don't care as much about you.

While this is still true, what about the people we spend our lives hung up on? What about the people we'd do anything for? What do we do when they don't reciprocate that blind loyalty and trust?

This is a situation I find myself in. My best friend was also my fiancee, or should that be my fiancee was also my best friend? If they're both two sides to the same coin, then i've lost them both. While i've been in situations similar to this before, this is the one that hits hardest. How do you move on when the one person you want to talk to is the one person you can't?

I should clarify that there is no blame to be placed here. This is not an article written for the purposes of riling up support. I hope you'd all know me better than that and also know that I am the furthest thing from perfect.

Two weeks ago my world got flipped upside down. This always struck me as an odd turn-of-phrase - the idea of everything in your life now being thrown into disarray. But it isn't so much the change itself - it's down to the perspective. Outside of my relationship, nothing changed. My job, my family, my friends. But I see them all from a different perspective - not better, not worse, just different.

This new perspective has meant that my closest companion/life partner/whatever horrendously soppy phrase you'd like to use is no longer the closest person to me. That distinction now goes to my friends. She and I still exist in the same universe, but no longer at the centre - and making that giant leap for mankind (or closure) feels constantly out of reach. I miss her, of course I do, but from where I am I can see her get her life together - making new friends, strengthening existing ones, dating. And that's good - because on the other side of my little "universe", i'm doing the same thing.

The trouble therefore falls in the space in between. I'm not a jealous person, and neither is she. In fact, we're both the furthest thing from it and it was one thing we always promised we'd never be. I can only speak for myself but I find myself saying "ok, shes having a great time while I'm at home thinking about her" - but similarly i'm sure when she sees me tagged in photos on social media where i'm having a great time she probably feels the same. Its natural, and it doesn't make you jealous - it just means you still care.

Caring is a tough habit to break. When she completed a running event in the last few days, I wanted her to come home and excitedly show me her new medal. I treasured those talks about her "split times" and BRICK workouts, even though I had no idea what a lot of it meant. Likewise I hope she thinks of me when she sees a trailer for Justice League or she sits down to write a blog on her Macbook that she just HAD to have.

Partners often come as a package deal, and I miss her good days sure, but I also miss her bad days. The days where nothing could make her smile until she saw me. Days where I'd put Harry Potter on the TV for the 4000th time just to see her eyes light up when she heard the theme music. I miss her foolishly asking me if she could buy new gym wear to cheer herself up knowing a) i'd never say no and b) she'd always have the money for it.

Another package is the crossover between a location and a memory - even outside of the home we shared. My mum's house reminds me of the greatest Christmas i've ever spent there. The seafront reminds me of helping each other to train. The park reminds me of family days out in the sun.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that while letting go can be so hard, it can also help you appreciate the beauty in the relationship, even as it feels a universe away. I have never been happier than I was in that relationship and I'll do my best to treasure those positives as long as I can.

Love is a beautiful thing, and love not working out through any reason is the hardest feeling in the world. But that shouldn't prevent you from aiming high - no one can choose to fall in love, but anyone can enjoy the ride.