The Changing of the Seasons

Hey everybody!

You may have noticed, its getting colder, darker, and autumnal! Its been a crazy busy Summer for me but Autumn always leaves me split down the middle: On the one hand, I love wearing a snug coat and getting excited for Halloween and the festive period ahead. On the other, its dark before and after work and the heating bill goes up!

But what about the mentality of autumn and winter?

Waking up at 6am, it may as well be midnight when you look outside at this time of year. Your first thought is that you've woken up too early and to go back to bed. The change from blue skies to blackness feels more sudden every year, and every year it hits me hard. Pushing myself to get ready for work and dressed gets easier after the first five minutes, but having to turn the light on in each room I go in (bathroom, kitchen etc) first thing in the morning always feels strange, even weeks into the season.

I leave my house at 6:40 and walk or drive to work. Its always quiet out at this time of the morning, even in the centre of Southend - buses and taxis are all that seem to be on the roads. Arriving at work and making a coffee as the lighting slowly splutters to life around me, 13 floors up and watching the Borough wake up around me has a strangely soothing quality. Others get into the office between 7 and 9 and the hustle and bustle becomes the backdrop to a productive day.

Then 5pm comes and... well... i'm knackered. The sky is turning darker, like a bruise spreading across your skin. So too the inside of my head feels heavier - I pop in my earphones and back towards the car. I'm planning to go to the gym but I just want to be warm and cosy - I NEED to feel warm and cosy. I get home and fumble with the keys. I curse my shaky hands and lack of patience with them. I shoulder barge the door open as soon as the key turns and i'm home. In the dark. Alone. Again.

I make a cup of tea and get frustrated when I spill half of it, then realise I left something at home I should've posted. I wonder how someone could make so many mistakes in one day. I trip over a shoe I thought i'd put away, and string some expletives into a loose sentence when my wi-fi router starts showing the blinking green light of doom. I cook myself a simple meal and save leftovers for lunch. I eat on the sofa as always because watching television takes me out of my own head. Once I finish I wash up and play videogames for an hour or two, sometimes with friends but mostly alone.

I shower and get in bed by half past 9. I tell myself tonight will be the night I sleep like a baby (weird expression, i'm told they don't sleep a lot at all). I wonder what my family is up to and if they're thinking of me. I set my 6am alarm and get ready to start the same day.

And then? I just lay there. My body rests but my mind just won't. It conjures up situations from the past I should've dealt with better. It reminds me of being bullied throughout school and suggests I did something to deserve it. It tells me my girlfriend will leave because why wouldn't she? It tells me my friends have way more fun when I'm not in the area. It tells me this will be my last autumn and i'll be lucky to see winter.

Then I wake up at 6am. And I do the whole thing again.

I should clarify that i'm totally fine. But the autumn always hits hard.