The Spiral

Hi everyone, i've been less regular with blogging recently for a multitude of factors but here's another personal one - first one in a while.

As i've been chatting about since I started this blog, i've struggled with mental illness. I'm blessed with the curse of bipolar disorder to the point where i'm up or down so much there simply is no middle ground. Recently, however, things have got into what I call "the spiral".

"The Spiral" is my way of explaining my mood recently. It always passes, sometimes quicker than others. I'm fine, i'm just very fragile at the moment.

"The Spiral" began at the start of February with Tom's death. Losing a friend the same age as me, having never lost anyone before, was bound to hit anyone hard. What made it worse was that the last time Tom and I had spoken we'd not been particularly pleasant to one another. We're both hot-headed, and we clashed often, but I loved him like a brother and I see him every time I close my eyes.

From there, things at work deteriorated (it would be improper to discuss that here), and since recording vocals for the new Counties EP, my singing voice has become unsustainable to a point where I worry my time is up. Couple that with the combined grief over Tom's death and a difference of creative opinion within the band and music became less enjoyable by the day.

Then there was the surgery, which while not life-threatening, left me lethargic and unable to exercise for weeks. While i've returned to it in the last fortnight (a fair amount earlier than I should), my confidence in my appearance has been shaken by being house-bound for over a month. As someone who lost a lot of weight a few years ago, its tough to not panic i'm putting it back on again, even when i'm nowhere near.

The flat sale/purchase has also been dragging out - while my purchase is running relatively smoothly, the sale has hit some snags both in terms of timescale and financially. In fact, at the time of writing there is a chance it could fall through and that terrifies me - i've worked so hard to be in the position i'm in, I'm determined not to let it all fall down now.

Those financial issues from the move have a trickle down effect to me also - having got myself in a great position things are now a stretch again. I should be able to recover, but its a panic nonetheless.

After all of the above, and the cumulative effect, we then lost my Uncle Brian. There are a handful of people you meet in life who are simply perfect - their temperament, their honesty, their everything. Uncle Brian was one of those people, and his funeral on Monday was beautiful but hit so hard I've barely slept since.

They say when it rains it pours but i'm lucky enough to have a wonderful umbrella: a loving girlfriend who supports me in every way, a group of friends who pick me up, 4 band mates I can consider family (even when we argue), and the most loving family I could ever ask for - right the way up to my extended family. I am so thankful and count myself lucky for the wonderful people I surround myself with.

Thanks to those people, I know I'll bounce back. This "Spiral" will become a ramp and I will find my strength again. Until then, I have to ride the wave.

L

Now Playing:

Sister Cities - The Wonder Years



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